Top 17 funny message jokes and videos for adults

Amazing funny jokes for adults

1:

A strange  man kept Lycoming to a newly married couples home and knock on their door, and the wife will always open for the man and when he does he will stare intently at her and say; "do you have a cunt?" and without waiting for an answer will turn and leave their residence, this happened repeatedly, and the wife tells her husband as the man always comes when he is not around, so they devise a plan as the man thinks the stranger is after his wife and on that fateful day the husband stays back at home to catch the stranger and immediately the doorbell rings, the wife signals to him that it must be the strange man, so he enters the toilet for guest to hide in order to hear the conversation and come out quickly to accost the man and tell him a piece of his mind. 

The wife opens the door as she and the husband had agreed that she should answer the man in the affirmative as previously she had never given the man an answer.

On opening the door, it is the stranger indeed, and he again asks the wife;"do you have a cunt."The wife immediately answers as she and her husband had agreed. Wife;"yes of course l have a cunt as l am a woman." The stranger looks at her intently and says;"then please kindly tell your husband to please leave my wife's own and concentrate on yours. Thank you. "The stranger leaves, but the husband is still in the toilet afraid to come out for fear of what his wife will do to him.     
If you are the man will you be brave and come out? Mind you a bullet might be waiting for you. Then if you are the wife, what will you do to such a husband?          

Waiting to hear your hilarious comments.

Very funny jokes for adults

2:

Two friends who had lost contact with each other for over 15 years meet at a shopping centre, and the following conversation ensued.

Fred;l can't believe my eyes; it's you 

Charles that l am seeing.

How are you and the family?

Charles in response says;"you better believe your eyes as l am the one in front of you.

Fred;"l say l find it hard to believe that's it's you."

Charles;"

Then those eyes of yours need to be tested."

Fred;"l say l find it hard to believe that's it's you."

Charles;"

Then those eyes of yours need to be tested."

Fred;"indeed my good friend but here's what you'll do to convince me, try and make out time to visit me please."

They both agree on the date and that they must not forget.

On the said day,

Charles goes to the address given to him by his friend and knocks on the door, and indeed it's his friend's house as he asks thus;"

Who is it."

Charles;"

Your August visitor."

Fred;"

How can that be."

Charles;"lam your August visitor."

Fred;"

That's impossible at first; we are in the month of 

June and more over the months of the year don't visit."

Charles;"

But they do my good friend as you just rightly said that it's now 

June, after that, comes 

July, so 

June visited you before 

July.

3:

lmagine it, suppose you wake up one faithful morning and as you are about to brush your teeth discover that the angel of fortune had turned all to pure gold. You visit the dentist to ascertain the veracity and truly you are carrying 24 caret gold teeth and you are subsequently told that each can get you $15000 and for days on end you have been praying that the good Lord bless you.

How many of your teeth will you ask the dentist to pull out for sale?

Your sincere answers will highly be appreciated as to tell you the truth sincerely,l am confused and need help to decide.

Hmmmm, sorry folks,just got up and checked the mirror,the teeth are still white, apparently it's a dream and l want to go back to the dream state as the feeling of wealth is nice and exciting,who even disturbed me from that dream,l can fight the person, ohhh, it   was my father and he is a martial artist, that's a no-go area.

:4

It is always advisable for one to always cut his cost according to his cloth as l could have adverted this urgly incident had l done so.

I meet a young lady on a bus on my way back to the university and we got chatting, one thing led to another and by the end of the journey, we exchanged phone numbers and address. incidentally, we were both in the same University though at different levels and of a different department.

She's truly beautiful and that night l could not sleep as thoughts of her filled heart.

So l called her and fixed a date for the next day.

Then my dilemma started as l knew that l could not take her to the local restaurant on campus because l wanted to impress her but all l had one is my school fees that my aged patents struggled to give me through selling the farm produce.

I know very well that l am a poor man's son but l wanted to have her mine so the next day l invited her out for lunch and choose a restaurant near the school.

We sat at a table next to another guy who kept telling the lady by his side to take whatever was her desire and the lady ordered for a bottle of wine.l equally asked my new found love to order, then told her to wait a moment,l then beckoned on one of the waiters to bring me the same bottle of wine, in fact,"make it two bottles"l said, and it was brought and opened immediately before we were handed the menu.

On glancing through l could not believe my eyes and l adjusted my spectacles properly and l almost fell off my seat but comported myself and told the young lady to take what she wants as sweat filled my forehead as l silently prayed she will not order for anything but luck ran off my side as l heard her ask for one of the most expensive meals on the menu, this instantly made me excuse myself in order to relieve myself of the tension as even my bowels could sense the tension.

I walked briskly to the restroom in order not only to relieve my bowels but to equally gather my thoughts together on what to do when given the bill,the thought of running from the restaurant crossed my mind but there's no way into the place except one entrance,the one we entered, so that option was impossible.

I surmoned courage and returned to the table to meet my new found love had finished the meal and was drinking the wine.l almost fainted but controlled myself and before l could say a word.
The bill was brought to our table and l grasp for breath because the only money on me is my school fees which will not even pay the debt. l quietly asked to please see the manager and was consequently ushered into his office and l presented myself as a compulsory staff to work in any capacity until my debt is paid, 
he Smiled and immediately took me to the kitchen to wash the dishes unknown to the lady who had put  me in this condition,here l am suffering and smiling for being foolish.l am still working at the restaurant as the manager says it will take me six months to pay off the debt only because the management has given me Considerations else it would have taken nine months.

One day's enjoyment has caused me such. 

5:

*I am trying to flirt*
I am to a beautiful blonde: Do you have a boyfriend?She: yes, I have a boyfriend.Me: do you want a rich and handsome than him?The teacher did ask a student: Tell me some products of the West Indies?The student replied: I do not know.Teacher: You know, Where do you get sugar from?The student replied: I buy from the shop.

6:

One of my friend called me at late night she asked me " are you sleeping? "

I replied: no, I'm just picking beans. 

Extra funny jokes for adults

7:

Once my wife saw me coming out of the bathroom, wet; she asked: " did you just have to take a bath?"

I replied:

No babe, I fell into the toilet bowl.

8:

Once I brought many beautiful flowers and went to my home, my girlfriend asked me: " are those flowers?" 

I replied: no babe, they are carrots.

9:

Once I was standing in front of the elevator on the ground floor, going to the office. Somebody asked me "are you going up? "

I replied: no, I am waiting for my office come down and meet Me.

10:

People have bad habits when I'm they see I am laying down on a bed with my closed eyes, they still ask; "are you sleeping?" 

Me: No! I am doing practice to die.

11:

Once we went to a restaurant, and the waiter asked my wife; "please can I get you a table? "

My wife replied: No, I am here to eat on the floor.

Clean funny jokes for adults

12:

Telephone conversation between ladies:

Sarah: hello love! 

Cristina: hello babes how are you today? Sarah: I'm fine babes, I have missed you a lot. 

Cristina: me too babes. 

Sarah: I am calling you just to inform you that I'll pay you a visit this evening.

Cristina: OK my love; it will be a great pleasure to have you. I will be expecting you sweet. 

*After dropping the call

Sarah: I am going to visit that dirty girl again.

Cristina: this witch is coming here again, she thinks I'll buy her fruits from my pocket again, she must be joking.

13:

 A white lady married with a white guy after pregnancy a black baby was born.

Husband: I am white, and you are white too then why our baby is black? 

Wife: because you are hot and I'm hot too that is why our babe has burnt.

14:

A doctor was assessing 3 patients at Ingutsheni Mental Hospital!

He did ask the 1st: 3 + 3=?

He answered: 2500

Doctor: You're really crazy.

Doctor asked to 2nd: 3 + 3 =?

He replied: 3+3= Wednesday.

Doctor: You are not far from death!

The doctor did ask for 3rd:

The 3rd fool says: 3 + 3 = 6.

Doctor: BRAVOO! How did you find it ???

He answers: I divided 2500 by Wednesday.

The doctor fainted.

Extremely funny jokes for adults                

15:

A young African lady met a man on social media and they became good friends. In the course of the relationship, the lady requested for financial assistance and he agreed to send her 3,000 Zimbabwean dollars.Instead of the lady to wait until she collects the said money, she starts ordering for expensive things like clothes, shoes, and handbags costing over 100,000 of her countries currency. Finally, she collects the money and upon changing the money it only amounts to 3,650 and she is still grabbling on how to pay her debtors who are on her neck to pay them. 

                                                                                 16:

A young man decided it was time for him to settle down in life and have a family, but did not know how to go about it because of his shy nature. He talked about it with one of his colleagues in the office and he told him he needs not worry that he will get him a perfect wife to settle down with as long as he won't ask too many questions and he will be a perfect husband equally.He told him that it's no problem, that infact he will ask no questions than that the person love him for who he is. They both agreed that within three months the task must be achieved. 

This unknown to the young man was not a good idea but he felt elated that in the next three months he'll be married,but had he equally known he wouldn't have contacted Denis his colleague on the issue for this was just what he'd been looking out for and he had secretly been admiring the young man for not only his physical but because he is hard working and handsom. So during office hours Denis goes as a man but after that dresses as a beautiful damsel for all his activities,and decides that he will go after his colleague.

He consequently dressed as a lady and the colleague unknowingly welcome s him as he tells him he's been sent by his friend DenisThey become good friends and within a short period he decides this is the lady he wants to marry and everything is put in place and the date for the wedding set.

The day arrives and all are fitted in church with the priest and the bridegroom anxiously waiting for the arrival of the bride.Behold she arrives in her beautiful wedding gown but it's a man in those robes not a woman, she walks down the isle and takes all her vows and then the moment of truth arrives as the priest asks the groom to kiss the bride and he lifts the veil.No, he cries out, can't believe it, l married a man but that's okay thats been my desire for centuries. The priest collapses but Denise is happy. 

17 

crazy funny jokes for adults

A young Bulgarian entered a restaurant in England and meet three Nigerians sitted and since he was new in Britain desired to make friends and in the process learn the English Language.
He went closer to them in order to listen to their conversation and learn. The following discuss ensued and with rapt attention he listened taking in every information with all amount of seriousness.
The conversation started with the Yoruba man who says that the restaurant must serve him his local dish from Nigeria.
Yoruba man:"Where is the waiter? He does not know his job. Let him come and wait on me. That's the meaning of waiting
The waiter appears  and says,
Waiter:"Yes gentlemen, can l have your orders please? "
The Hausa man cuts in immediately. Hausa man:"kail, which orders, l came here to eat not to order, bring us food. Its food he wants not order. If you want order, go am for barracks. "

The lgbo man wanting to prove he is knowledgeable cuts in.
Igbo man:"Please never mind my friends, kindly bring us the orders of food and drinks. Thank you. "
The Bulgarian man thinking that this is awesome and the correct way to order for food draws the attention of the waiter who immediately moves to his side and says.
Waiter:"Please can l have your orders sir. "
Bulgarian man:"Yes oh, give me the orders of food and drinks. "
The waiter runs off to the kitchen and tells the chef that the Nigerians and the Bulgarian man wants everything on the menu.
You can imagine the faces of the other persons at the restaurant when the see the trolley of food brought and to their amazement the trio eat the food and consume the drinks, but the Bulgarian man is having trouble  with his food and the trio to the amazement of others join him at his table and ask in unison.           Nigerian guys:"l think you need our help. " Without waiting for the man's reply, they sit down and the remaining drinks to the amazement of all at the restaurant. When the waiter brings the bill, the lgbo man calls him and tells him that that the whole  bill should be in the Bulgarian man 's bill as that day is his birthday  and he is giving them a threat. The young man is drunk, so is oblivious of what is happening and immediately the three Nigerian walk out of the restaurant as the see the waiter coming with the bill.
The Bulgarian man screams when the bill is handed to him and says.     Bulgarian man:"Did you feed the whole community, l am just one man and l couldn't have eaten  all these at which the waiter replied.  Waiter:"You and your friends did sir. And on behalf of myself and the restaurant management, we all wish you happy birthday. The man was short of words as the whole restaurant sang happy birthday to him, he however smiled and wondered how they knew because  ironically enough the next day was his birthday.
Bulgarian man:"So this people know  everyone's date of birth. Wonderful indeed. I love them he thought to himself.

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